Forgiving What You Can’t Forget & Why Holding Grudges is Hurting You

Discover how holding onto unforgiveness keeps us stuck in sadness, depression, anger, and bitterness.

Holding onto unforgiveness is tormenting. Many of us don't fully grasp the power of forgiveness—what it is and what it isn't. There are two common misconceptions about forgiveness. The first is that we should "forgive and forget." This isn't realistic; you won't forget something that significantly impacted your life. The second misconception is to "forgive but never forget," which keeps us on edge, expecting more hurt. Instead, I advocate for forgiving and finding peace.

Forgiveness is not about memory lapse; it's about memory release. It allows us to let go of the emotional burden while still remembering and processing the event. This approach helps us grow in wisdom and discernment, leading to peace rather than turmoil.

What is Unforgiveness?

Unforgiveness manifests in various ways: bursts of anger, pettiness, critical behavior, the need to make others understand your pain, impulsive actions, or difficulty reframing experiences. It can even lead to physical symptoms like difficulty sleeping, anxiety, stress, depression, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Unforgiveness keeps us in a state of emotional turmoil, affecting our mental and physical health.

To truly forgive, we must release our pain and anguish to a higher power. I've often given my burdens to God, trusting Him to bring justice. Unforgiveness is holding a grudge against someone who has offended you or hurt someone you love. It's about not having compassion or the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. It's nurturing pain, keeping it alive, and hoping for the demise of those who hurt you.

Holding onto unforgiveness gives a false sense of control and protection. However, it causes more damage to ourselves, like guarding the front porch with a gun while leaving the back door wide open for a thief to rob us of our peace and joy.

Questions to Reflect On

Ask yourself these questions to recognize unforgiveness:

1. Do I talk to others about the wrong done to me?
2. Do I want someone to feel guilty and be punished for what they've done?
3. Do I repeatedly bring up past offenses?
4. Do I avoid praying for those who hurt me?
5. Do I feel satisfaction when those who hurt me experience hardships?

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not excusing a wrong, minimizing it, or forgetting it. It's not about instant healing, reconciliation with the offender, or waiting for an apology. Forgiveness is a choice and a process, often requiring ongoing effort. It's not about perpetuating injustice—you can still seek legal action while forgiving. Forgiveness doesn't remove pain immediately, but it opens the door for healing to flow more quickly.

The Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs. It releases you from the burden of the grudge, returning your power, joy, energy, and mental, physical, and spiritual recovery. Benefits include better sleep, reduced anxiety, improved focus, stronger relationships, and better physical health.

Steps to Practice Forgiveness

1. Identify the Hurt: Name what happened, who did it, and how it affected you.
2. Honor Your Pain: Acknowledge your hurtful emotions and reactions.
3. Breathe in Compassion: Embrace love, grace, and mercy, and release the poison of unforgiveness.
4. Make a Decision: Forgive unconditionally, without expecting restitution.
5. Express Gratitude: Thank God for the love and clean slate you've received.

Forgiveness is a conscious decision to release the pain and move forward. It's not about forgetting but choosing to let go and live in freedom.

Remember, forgiveness is possible and necessary for living your best life. It’s a powerful choice that can transform your future, bringing peace, joy, and healing!

If you're interested in further support, check out my free download of Brave Affirmations for an Abundant Life. And if you're ready to take the next step in your journey, consider joining my Living Brave course. For more details, email me at [email protected] with the subject "Brave Living Coaching Course."

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